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How to Discern Your Patterns

Posted by on Oct 25, 2017 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

When you first discovered the book, The 5 Personality Patterns, your first question was probably, Which one am I? So what did you do? Probably you downloaded the pdf of the personality traits of each pattern. Or you searched the big chart in the book that shows the attributes of each pattern. Or you took the time to read the chapter describing each of them. And as you read through each one, you compared it to your own experience of yourself, looking for a match. Approaching the problem this way is natural, but it’s based on the idea that this is a set of types, that a person is one...

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Dis-identifying from the Inner Critic

Posted by on Aug 29, 2017 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

Inside each of us, there is a voice that criticizes us whenever we do something wrong. This voice is called the inner critic, and it is an amalgamation of all the commands we heard as a child to “Be good,” “Tell the truth,” “Stand up straight,” “Don’t hit your brother,” “Don’t draw on the walls,” “Don’t talk with your mouth full,” “Don’t run with scissors,” “Don’t talk back,”etc., etc., etc. Every time Mom, Dad, or whoever had power over us instructed us on what to do or not do, our little brain recorded it. Over time, we built up a library of their voices and mixed them together into one...

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Developing a Felt Sense of Self

Posted by on May 31, 2017 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

© 2017 Steven Kessler, MFT Often in therapy, we see clients who are unsure how they feel inside and what they want. They may be experts at knowing what others expect of them and who others want them to be, but they stumble when asked what they themselves want. Similarly, they may be fragile and unable to tolerate conflict or strong emotions in anyone around them. These clients are not stupid or weak. The problem is that they have not yet developed a felt sense of self, a felt sense of the core of their own body that gives them an internal experience of strength and support and that they can...

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Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Posted by on Mar 24, 2017 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

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The 6 Levels of Relationship

Posted by on Feb 25, 2017 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

How do you know when you’re in love? How do you even know when you’re in a “Relationship?” How is a capital R “Relationship” different from all the other “relationships” of life? Let’s start by looking at relationships in general: friends, lovers, acquaintances. If we put these on a spectrum according to the amount of emotional investment in the relationship, we discover that they fall into six fairly discrete groups, the six levels of relationship*. 1. Acquaintanceship Acquaintances are the people that we don’t really know; we just...

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Our # 1 Mistake in Relating to Others

Posted by on Jan 31, 2017 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

Our biggest mistake when relating to others is right there in front of our eyes, yet we’re blind to it. Why? Because we have experienced the world in only one way, that is, our own way. We have never experienced the world in the many different ways that others experience it. So we assume something that is wrong: We assume that everyone else experiences the world the same way we do. It is natural for us to assume this, and it’s normal, in the sense that everyone does it. But it is fundamentally wrong. And it causes big problems in communication, because when someone describes what...

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Re-center Yourself in 5 Seconds

Posted by on Dec 9, 2016 in Centering yourself, Getting out of pattern | 0 comments

This is really easy. It’s the simplest and quickest way I know of to re-center yourself. If you do this once an hour (set a beep on your phone to remind you), within several weeks it will become automatic and you’ll do it without thinking. Let your spine be erect but not stiff. (If you’re sitting, scoot your butt back in the seat.) Inhale up your spine Exhale down your spine Repeat for a few more breaths, if you like   Each time, notice the changes in how you feel inside. And notice the changes in how well you function in your daily life. Gradually, you’ll build...

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