Dis-identifying from the Inner Critic
Inside each of us, there is a voice that criticizes us whenever we do something wrong. This voice is called the inner critic, and it is an amalgamation of all the commands we heard as a child to “Be good,” “Tell the truth,” “Stand up straight,” “Don’t hit your brother,” “Don’t draw on the walls,” “Don’t talk with your mouth full,” “Don’t run with scissors,” “Don’t talk back,”etc., etc., etc. Every time Mom, Dad, or whoever had power over us instructed us on what to do or not do, our little brain recorded it. Over time, we built up a library of their voices and mixed them together into one...
Read MoreDeveloping a Felt Sense of Self
© 2017 Steven Kessler, MFT Often in therapy, we see clients who are unsure how they feel inside and what they want. They may be experts at knowing what others expect of them and who others want them to be, but they stumble when asked what they themselves want. Similarly, they may be fragile and unable to tolerate conflict or strong emotions in anyone around them. These clients are not stupid or weak. The problem is that they have not yet developed a felt sense of self, a felt sense of the core of their own body that gives them an internal experience of strength and support and that they can...
Read MoreThe 6 Levels of Relationship
How do you know when you’re in love? How do you even know when you’re in a “Relationship?” How is a capital R “Relationship” different from all the other “relationships” of life? Let’s start by looking at relationships in general: friends, lovers, acquaintances. If we put these on a spectrum according to the amount of emotional investment in the relationship, we discover that they fall into six fairly discrete groups, the six levels of relationship*. 1. Acquaintanceship Acquaintances are the people that we don’t really know; we just...
Read MoreOur # 1 Mistake in Relating to Others
Our biggest mistake when relating to others is right there in front of our eyes, yet we’re blind to it. Why? Because we have experienced the world in only one way, that is, our own way. We have never experienced the world in the many different ways that others experience it. So we assume something that is wrong: We assume that everyone else experiences the world the same way we do. It is natural for us to assume this, and it’s normal, in the sense that everyone does it. But it is fundamentally wrong. And it causes big problems in communication, because when someone describes what...
Read MoreRe-center Yourself in 5 Seconds
This is really easy. It’s the simplest and quickest way I know of to re-center yourself. If you do this once an hour (set a beep on your phone to remind you), within several weeks it will become automatic and you’ll do it without thinking. Let your spine be erect but not stiff. (If you’re sitting, scoot your butt back in the seat.) Inhale up your spine Exhale down your spine Repeat for a few more breaths, if you like Each time, notice the changes in how you feel inside. And notice the changes in how well you function in your daily life. Gradually, you’ll build...
Read MorePut the Story Aside
Whenever you’re in pattern or in any kind of emotional reaction, you are telling yourself a story about what is happening. But the story comes from your past. It comes from something that happened to you then, but may not be happening to you now. It’s a conditioned response. Whenever that button gets pushed, that story plays out in your head in living color. But it’s from the past, so it actually clouds your awareness of the present. And it causes you to feel the emotions that go with the story, not the emotions that go with what is actually happening right now. Our minds like to make up...
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