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How to Discern Your Patterns

Posted by on Oct 25, 2017 in Uncategorized | 1 comment

When you first discovered the book, The 5 Personality Patterns, your first question was probably, Which one am I?

So what did you do? Probably you downloaded the pdf of the personality traits of each pattern. Or you searched the big chart in the book that shows the attributes of each pattern. Or you took the time to read the chapter describing each of them. And as you read through each one, you compared it to your own experience of yourself, looking for a match.

Approaching the problem this way is natural, but it’s based on the idea that this is a set of types, that a person is one type, and on thinking of the types as collections of traits and attributes, just like they are in other maps of personality.

But this is not what the patterns are. It’s not how they are created or what defines them. They are not collections of traits. They are safety strategies. Each one arises out of a particular way of trying to feel safer — out of a safety strategy. And you are not a type. You are a person who habitually uses a particular sequence of these safety strategies to try to protect yourself from distress.

So the best way to discern which patterns you go into is not to look at your personality traits. The best way is to watch what you do when you get distressed. Watch what happens in your body when you first feel a little uncomfortable with a situation. Watch where your attention goes and what becomes important to you. Then watch what you do as your distress builds.

Here are the five safety strategies and the actions that follow from each. Notice which one you go into when you first get scared or distressed:

1. You want to leave. Your attention and energy move away from whatever is distressing you. You feel scared. You think “I gotta get away.” You move away from them physically or you leave your body to get away.

2. You want to connect. Your attention and energy move toward them. You’re nice to them so they’ll like you and help you. You agree or appease or compliment them. You try to give them what they need, even if it’s not what you need. You think they are the solution to your problem.

3. You want to hide. Your attention and energy pull in and go downward to help you hide, or at least hunker down and endure whatever is coming. You might agree on the outside, but on the inside you think, “You can’t make me.”. On the inside, everything starts to feel heavy and stuck. You don’t take action; you just endure.

4. You want to fight. Your attention and energy flow up and out to push against whatever is bothering you. You get big, intimidating, maybe even angry to coerce their compliance with your will. Or maybe you get charming, but your intention is still to control and dominate them. You get bigger and more aggressive.

5. You want to do it the right way. Your attention and energy go toward performing correctly in this situation. Your chest and belly tense to dampen the flow of life energy and feeling through you, and your attention goes to how well you’re performing. You get tight and rigid. You feel anxious. You focus on correctness.

If you monitor your body and attention carefully, you’ll probably notice that you almost always go into the same particular safety strategy when you first get upset. This is your primary pattern. As your distress builds, you may stay with that strategy for a short time or a long time, but sooner or later, if things get bad enough, you switch into a another particular safety strategy. This is your backup pattern.

As you monitor yourself in more and more situations, you’ll see yourself doing this same sequence again and again: primary pattern, then backup pattern. A few people use a third safety strategy, but most people use only two. I’ve never known anyone to use four.

So this is the way to discern which patterns you go into. Watch the sequence of safety strategies you use as you go from feeling safe and happy into more and more distress.

This method is much more accurate than trying to match up the personality traits and talents you have with what’s on the chart. This is true for several reasons. First, you do two patterns, not just one, so trying to fit yourself into one category will just be confusing. Second, you may have some of the traits or talents of a particular pattern, but not actually use that pattern to feel safer. You may have learned those behaviors from your parents or just been born with those talents. In that case, we can say that you have the gifts of that pattern, but you don’t do the pattern, i.e., you don’t go there automatically and you don’t use it to manage your distress.

I hope this helps you discern your patterns!

One Comment

  1. Very helpful guide to figuring out what patterns we employ – I’m sharing it with my clients. Thanks, Steven!

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